Sad but True
by bardalicious
Summary: Set after the fight with Kougaiji in the desert, Goku alone in the room remininscing about his mistake, he hears a voice telling him to end his life, Goku decides to listen to it. songfic go MetallicaSad But True


Disclaimer: I do not own Saiyuki.

I know I should be working on The Decieved, but I need to get this out of my system.

**Sad But True**

Goku stared at himself in the mirror that was at the inn, looking himself over. He had never been the type to do this kind of stuff, but now, after what he had done in the middle of the desert made him look. He wondered if the others really thought he was a monster, if he was only there to be like a killing puppet to them. No, Sanzo would never do that, would he? He looked back into the mirror, and gazed at his golden eyes, then shifted up to the golden coronet that laced his forehead. Reaching up, he traced it along his fingers. The monster that living inside him comfirmed it, he was a monster. He wondered, would Sanzo kill him? Would they just throw his life away and head on west without them? Were they even his friends?

_Hey, I'm your life, I'm the one who takes You there_

_Hey, I'm your life, I'm the one who cares_

Maybe all along Seiten Taisei had been trying to protect him from getting hurt again, to Goku that seemed logical. He always wondered what made the youkai thirst for blood so much. He looked around the room, Gojyo had gone out for a walk a while back, and Sanzo, and Hakkai went back to their room. Goku mused, 'They probably don't want to be around me...' Though he had been assured that what he had done wasn't wrong by Hakkai and Gojyo, he couldn't help but feel that they might be lying. Lying to make up for loss. Trying to reassure themselves that Goku indeed wasn't the monster they had seen today. Then his thoughts turned to Kougaiji, sad enough he had not wanted to kill the youkai prince, but if it was to save Sanzo's life, then it was worth it. Then, a voice rang in his head, 'Why? Why do you cling to that priest so much?'

_They, they betray, I'm your only true friend now_

_they, they'll betray, I'm forever there_

He clinged to Sanzo because he's the one who saved him from the cave, from five hundred years of imprisonment. He had opened the doors to a whole new world that Goku couldn't think imaginable. Yes, that's why he did, he needed Sanzo like the oceans needed the tide. Again, the voice chided, 'Why do you protect him?' "I dont' want to lose him." Goku said to no one imparticular, when the voice didn't return Goku sighed, running his hand through his wild brown hair. He stared back at his own reflection, and he could've sworn he saw Seiten's smirk. Without warning, the boy punched the mirror, making his fist bleed from the knuckles..

_I'm your dream, make you real, I'm your eyes when you must steal_

_I'm your pain when you can't feel, sad but true_

Panting slightly, he shook his head. He couldn't have seen Seiten Taisei, he never did. He was always unconcious when that monster came out. Sighing, he looked at his hands that bled all over. 'That hurts, doesn't it? But at least this time it's your blood...' The voice chided again, Goku whirled around to face nothing. Where was this voice coming from? Was he just hearing things? He must be crazy, he's alone. No one else is in the room with him, sighing once again, he sat down on the bed and searched for some bandages in hopes that Hakkai wouldn't come barging in unexpectadely. 'You should just leave them...they're not your friend, I'm your only friend, Son Goku.'

_I'm your dream, mind astray, I'm your eyes while you're away,_

_I'm your pain while you repay, you know it's sad but true_

Goku dropped the bandages and lifted his head, but decided he was only hearing things again. He began to patch up his wound the best way he could, trying to make sure it just looked like a small cut. Hopefully, Hakkai wouldn't notice in the morning. He heard footsteps coming from outside the door, but fortunately for him, they had passed on. 'That was a close one.' He thought to himself, as he continued to put the bandages on, 'I could've sworn that was Gojyo.' He shook his head, and when he was done patching himself up, he started to clean the glass up. He hoped that Gojyo didn't notice a mirror in their room. Well, not like the perverted kappa noticed anything other than women...

_You, you're my mask, you're my cover, my shelter_

_You, you're my mask, you're the one who's blamed_

He thought of Hakkai, Sanzo, and Gojyo, and of how close he had been to killing them. He had been close to killing the only family he's ever had, and somehow, he didn't feel right about it. He looked at a shard of glass that was in his right palm, and studied it carefully. He hadn't been hurt today, like the rest of them had, that made him feel worse. So, he took the sharp piece of glass and jammed it into his left wrist, wincing in pain, but feeling calm after he had done it. 'That's all you're going to do? You nearly kill them all and all you do is cut yourself?' The voice hissed, Goku wrinkled his brow, and then cut his hand. Yes, that felt good. The pain to him, was like, well, he couldn't explain it.

_Do, do my work, do my dirty work, scapegoat_

_Do, do my deeds, for you're the one who's shamed_

Goku watched the blood run down his arm, smiling as he felt the pain, as he felt the sting. He didn't know why this felt so good, but he guessed it was to atone for the sins he had done today. He couldn't live with himself if he knew he just got off scot-free, even though he got hit with Sanzo's fan. That wasn't enough, that didn't cause enough pain for him. He wanted more. So, the boy took it to his other, and cut them. 'Yes, you're doing the right thing Goku.' The voice chided, and for once, Goku didn't mind him. He was right, why should he be the only one who can't feel pain? He was always pictured as this happy go lucky kid who has the brains for food, but he knew that he had deeper thoughts than that. Goku is more complex then he leads on.

_I'm your dream, mind astray, I'm your eyes while you're away,_

_I'm your pain while you repay, you know it's sad but true_

He thought of how the others treated him, always calling him a stupid monkey, insulting him. He was nothing but a verbal punching bag for them, but then there's Hakkai. Or is he just being fake? He wondered if they would care if he just ended his life right now. Would they just feel, relieved? He looked around the room, and noticed that there was a knife on the table. He didn't know where it came from, but it was just the thing to end his life and save the others of a monster. Who would want him anyways? 'I'm nothing but a nuiscence...'

_Hate, I'm your hate, I'm your hate when you want love_

_Pay, pay the price, pay, for nothing's fair._

Goku saw his whole life flash before him, his life was nothing but emptiness. That cave that he had spent so much time in was just a distant memory at times, but now it was so close to his heart it hurt. He had wondered if death would've been more welcoming to him, if they should've ended his life just there. He had tried a couple of times to kill himself in the cave, of course it didn't work. 'Why not end it? Why not end this life?' The voice mocked, 'You're nothing but a puppet to them, you're nothing...worthless...when you get weak, they'll just throw you away and find someone better.' Someone better...

_Hey, I'm your life, I'm the one who took you there_

_Hey, I'm your life, and I no longer care._

'Yes, end it...just grab the knife and slit your throat. It will be done in a matter of seconds.' The voice mocked once again, Goku blinked, and limped to the table. Grasping it with his right hand, he lifted it to his throat, "Who are you anyways?" He asked, as if the voice would answer. But he didn't, so he continued to press harder against his skin, blood trickling down his neck. Then, with one quick swipe, Son Goku was dead.

_In your dream, make you real, I'm your eyes when you must steal_

_I'm your pain, when you can't feel, sad but true_

_I'm your truth, telling lies, I'm your reasoned alibis_

_I'm inside open your eyes, I'm you, sad but true..

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WOW! My first real dark fic! O.o well, I was listening to this song and thought of Seiten Taisei and Goku. And that one time of the desert. XD So, hope you liked it, please, no flames. Hope you got the last part of the song, and who the voice is. The voice, is, if you didn't figure it out already, is his other self, Seiten Taisei


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